Happy Birthday To Me

So today is my birthday. I woke up to the phone ringing and utility workers pounding on the door. I still am not sure what it was that they were checking for but it didn't seem to be an emergency that all the commotion implied. I'm not feeling as emotional as I thought I would. I guess the train wreck of emotions from the past week have settled down.

I scanned some old pictures last night. I was probably 3 in the top picture. I don't know why I like it so much. I like the off centered nature and the expression on my face is quite typical. I have a number of pictures of my toddler self in the dress from the second shot. For some reason I was most drawn to the one where you can't see my face. The prototype 1974 calender on the wood paneled wall adds a nice element to the shot I think. My panda bear birthday cake from my 1st birthday warranted 2 pictures from 2 different angles but I couldn't find any pictures of me actually eating it. I don't blame Mom, it is a very cool cake.

I was also humming the song Die Alone from Ingrid Michaelson the whole way to work. The lines below have always resonated with me but particularly so today.

I woke up this morning with a funny taste in my head.
Spackled some butter over my whole grain bread.
Something tastes different, maybe it's my tongue.
Something tastes different, suddenly I'm not so young.
From Die Alone by Ingrid Michaelson

Fall on the Farm

After a full day on Saturday including a tea party/fashion show and some birthday shopping with Ani and Grandma we made it home right before dusk. Ani and I headed out with my camera to try to get some pictures of Fall on the farm. Unfortunately the lighting didn't corporate and my flash photography skills are not too strong so I gave up after it got too dark. But I got some okay ones that I thought I'd share. The top one is an impromptu hay ride that Ani got minus all the hay as Dad was moving the trailer. The next one is the best I captured of the foliage. Mom says that they really didn't get very many great color displays this year. In mid October there were a few weeks of vibrant colors which happened to coincide with the stretch of everyday rain so there wasn't much time to enjoy it.

This one is just a shot of the sky that I liked through the trees. It wasn't the best sunset to photograph either but you work with what you are given.














Ani was enjoying setting up my shots and finding the right angles. She kept calling out look at this old abandoned tire, or this old abandoned log, or the old abandoned fence. When she pointed out this weed and called it an old abandoned flower I thought she must be joking but it is the best example of an old abandoned flower I've ever seen.

Mike says that he is over the macro shots but I'm not yet. I just love catching the details and having the crisp image against a fuzzy backdrop seems arty to me. I know I'm definitely a beginning photographer but that's okay. I really didn't start to take pictures until the past year so I'm just a baby in the hobby. I think that macro is a cool way to develop my skills. It forces me to pay attention to all of the details, find the right backdrop, and really pay attention to the composition. As my skills improve I'm sure I'll be able to apply those things to the big picture too but for now I'm happy with capturing the little images.

Old Fashioned Hootenanny

So we made it back from a full weekend of fun at the farm. Friday night was my Dad's annual hunter's party in the hunter's cabin on the farm. He hires the same old blue grass band that plays like they've been playing together for 40 years, probably because some of them have been. He builds the world's biggest bon fire each year. This year's was supposedly the most beautiful yet. He had two hollow logs standing straight up with flames shooting out from each end in a perfect display. It had fallen just 3 minutes before we made it there. If only we hadn't gotten stuck in that second round of traffic I would have the pictures to memorialize it, instead I only have it in it's sad fallen state.


But there was plenty of chili left and cold beer so who could complain too much. They held the hay ride up for Ani and she enjoyed it although I don't think she was too crazy about dancing in front of everyone with Dad. But when they played Rocky Top, his favorite song, for him he drug her around the dance floor like only Dad can.

I was the only one of my siblings home for the party this year, probably because I'm the only one left in Missouri. I was talking to one of my cousins about the total irony of that fact. I was the one that was bound and determined to get as far away from the farm as possible. And here I am, the only one within driving distance for a weekend visit home. There really is no way of predicting how our lives will turn out that is for certain.

Birthday Turmoil

This is probably going to be a rambling post of a more personal nature so feel free to move along if you are uninterested in what is going on in my brain today. Next week is my birthday. I am now squarely in my late thirties, which just boggles my mind. Mike and I are in the process of getting life insurance set up and I was talking to my Dad about the different options when he said, "I'm glad that you doing these things now that you are middle aged." I know that he said it to get me worked up and it worked. I said that middle aged is not until your 50's and he pointed out that unless I'm wanting to live into my late 100's than I'm probably approaching the mid point which is what middle aged is after all. (The picture above is of Kate and Ani this summer on the last day that I saw Jess and Kate before they moved. It's one of my favorite pictures of either of them that I've ever taken. It's actually not staged. I caught them sitting on the sidewalk in their matching vests, they looked up at me and I snapped the shot.)

I think that late thirties has a more powerful meaning to a childless woman than anyone else. I've talked about our decision making about parenthood before but never in that much depth. For one thing I wasn't really able to talk about it even to friends until the past 6 months. I saw a counselor earlier in the year when the girls were moving to help me get to a point where I was more sure of our decision. I say our decision but honestly it was my decision. Mike always said that he was happy with whatever I decided. He would be happy to be a father but he was perfectly content with our life the way it is. And I knew that he wasn't just saying that which actually made it harder on me.

We tried off and on for 3 years to get pregnant. I never pursued any outside help since it was not a driving need for me to reproduce. There was a year in the middle when just seeing a baby could cause me to go in a tailspin though. My sister got pregnant with her 3rd child in the middle of this time. I know that I wasn't nearly as involved as with the other two girls and feel much less connected with Savannah because of this.

Some friends of ours are having similar problems and we were talking recently. She is actually 5 years younger than me and they were only trying for about 9 months before they headed to the fertility specialist. He is a lawyer so they have the funds to make it a priority but there is also a difference in her need to have a child. Even when we were in the middle of trying and I would be really hopeful about a particular cycle I still was never as devastated as she is. I sometimes wonder if that makes me seem less compassionate or "less of a woman."

The one thing Mike is very solid on is not wanting to adopt. That is my biggest hurdle. I'm very open to pursuing adoption or even fostering but Mike has various reasons for why he doesn't want to consider it. I'm accepting the fact that he's not going to change his mind and that pretty much closes off the future of us being parents. I have started to tell people this and let them know that I'm okay with it. We both have lots of outside interests, jobs, and other roles that fulfill us so we do not have to have children to make our lives complete.













One of those important roles for me is obviously the beloved Aunt. I'm very lucky that I have Ani and Kai that live so close to us. Because Mike's sister has some health issues whatever time and resources we are able to provide are always gladly accepted. I am able to build a stronger connection than is normal without too much worry of crossing a boundary with the parents, although this is something that I am always aware of and considering. Kai and Ani call my parents grandma and grandpa and consider the girls cousins. Having this enlarged extended family is good for them as Mike's sister and her husband don't have a very large family and they have only ever known one grandparent in their lives. Kai told me last time we were at the farm that he considers us his second family which I thought was very sweet. When I told Mike he said that we are his actual family but I knew what he meant.

But no matter how close my relationships may be to my nieces and nephews I know that it will never be the same. I will not have that lifelong bond with another person as a mother. I'm okay with saying that now but I do wonder if I will regret the decisions we've made in ten or twenty years from now. I really didn't want to just wait until I was 40 and let the decision be made for me. I wanted to be proactive about the process and commit to our path which I think I have.

I'm still unable to use definitive language when I talk about it but it is more a matter of how I'm afraid of being perceived I think than anything else at this point. We have made the commitment to live our lives together and to support each other's passions without children. Because we don't have kids we have more expendable money to pursue our interests and to travel than we would otherwise. Even though Mike is not crazy about traveling I've got him to commit to a nice long vacation every other year.

We are going to the farm for the weekend with the kids and Ani and I will be celebrating our birthdays together. My Dad is also having a big bon fire party tonight for the opening of hunting season and there will be a blue grass band and a hay ride for the kids tonight. I'm sure I'll have lots of pictures from the weekend to share next week. If you made it to the end of this post thanks for hearing me out. I guess I just really wanted to get this off my chest.

Thoughts on Entrecard and Top Droppers

So I haven't recognized my top EC droppers in quite awhile so I wanted to give props to those in the community that have stuck it out through all the craziness. Thanks for continuing to drop in on my blog daily and I'd love for you to check out the others on the list. They are some great bloggers and creative minds every one of them. I just chose the Bumble Bee Wristcuff for this post because the colors reminded me of EC's yellowish and black logo.

DigiVickie's Word Art digital scrapbooking, tutorials, inspiration and free word art designs
A Rose By Name The beadweaving process, jewelry, art, ideas.
Winesworld's blog a friendly wine guide for amateurs, by amateurs
BadGalSays We give you Roots and Truth 24/7
The Beadings and Buttons of Randomcreative I have always enjoyed making random creative projects using all different colors and materials.
Recycled Frockery Recycled Fashion and How to Do It Your Way
My gypsygoods Life, creative moments, saving money, nature, eco-friendly tips
The Sweet Life Every little thing that make life sweet.
anns snap edit scrap mixed bag of my digital photography, photo editing, digi scrap designs, freebies and rambling about life
Mother by Design Encouragement from a Christian perspective for mothers of all ages

So all of us in the community are well aware of all the turmoil in Entrecard over the past 6 months. I watched as some of my favorites have decided to abandon ship and I certainly don't judge anyone for their decisions about who they affiliate their blog with. I personally have been taking a wait and see stand throughout all the changes and rechanges in management and policies.

I too was thoroughly annoyed when they decided to add paid ads to our widgets even if it is just 15% of the time. But has anyone else noticed that the only ads that have been put up have been for Entrecard and over the past week even those have disappeared. It seems to me that it may have once again been a big todo over nothing. I read on someone's blog that they thought they no one would want to do paid advertising since they would be looked down upon by everyone in the community and it might actually hurt their business rather than help.

There was also an offer for us to pay them a yearly/monthly fee to have our ad box remain with only approved ads. I'm really glad I didn't take them up on this offer as that appears to have been more of an attempt to turn it into a paid service. Which got me thinking about whether I would pay to use EC like they do at Adigitize. I just don't think I would despite all the great benefits it has brought to my blog. It's kind of like that Kraft magazine that has always been free and is now charging $7 for a years subscription. I've always gotten some of my favorite, easy to make recipes out of it but when I had to decide whether I was going to pay for it I thought not unless they really up their game.

Alterity Button Jewelry had a series of really thoughtful posts about her decision making about staying with or leaving EC. Here is the original post with 30 responses all from other concerned members of the community if you missed it. She put some real time into quantifying whether the time she puts into EC is worth it. I also really enjoyed her follow up post here where she really captured my own thoughts about what I have gotten out of EC and why I decided to stick with it. Here is the crux of it which I am posting with her permission:

"When you sign up for EC, you are basically a nobody in the blogging world. Not because no one likes you, but because no one knows you are there. So, you get on EC and start dropping like crazy. You buy some ads and the next thing you know, people are dropping on your blog. Even better, people are beginning to follow you and subscribe to your RSS feed. So, you keep on dropping and dropping. Eventually, you become disenchanted with EC and contemplate leaving. You may decide to stay, but not drop quite so much. Whatever you choose, what is the one valuable thing you didn't have before EC? Followers and subscribers. Wow...that's pretty big. Especially considering that the only one reading your blog before you joined EC was yourself! Mull on that for a while."

So I have been continuing to drop but not with the same energy I did in the beginning. If I get over 100 drops on my lunch hour I'm happy with that. I'm dropping on the blogs I enjoy for one reason or another and not feeling like I have to reciprocate every drop just because. My numbers have gone done some but I'm not really concerned. I want the people that visit my blog to do so because they want to not because I'm just another drop through.

If you have any insight into the whole EC turmoil please share as I'm always interested to hear others opinions.

Giveaway Results and Pet Peeves!

So I just remembered that I hadn't bothered to post the results from my blog contests. Bad blogger! That got me thinking about my blogger pet peeves which is the result of the rest of my post below. I had 117 entries into the contest via joining my newsletter. I had 46 when I opened it up to my blog readers so I guess that means I had around 70 entries from the blog.

But without further ado let me announce that the winner of my Fall Newsletter contest was none other than Carole from Carole's Thoughtful Spot! I was thrilled that the gift certificate went to a fellow blogger partly because I knew that it would be going to a good home and also because she let me know that she would be blogging about it. A little extra dose of publicity out of it, you can't beat that. Carole has impeccable taste and chose to spend her $40 on the luxurious cashmere scarflette above. I hope she loves it!

And now for a few of my blog pet peeves. Lord knows that I'm not perfect but I just wanted to share those little things that drive me crazy as I go about my daily blog reading routine.
1. Confetti throwing up all over the place on your blog or any other graphic that just distracts from the blog content.
2. Too many widgets or ads. I am constantly reevaluating what widgets I can get rid of and I know that my 3 column design can tend towards the cluttered side but when half of your blog is ads I think you have a problem.
3. Too many or not enough pictures. There really is a sweet spot when it comes to pictures. Too many means that it will take forever for your blog to download, too few and your blog looks dull and uninspired. I know sometimes I fall on the too many side but I try to hit the middle ground as best as I can.
4. Pushing your agenda. I really don't mind an occasional ideological post but when a blog completely switches gears and becomes all about one agenda that has nothing to do with its title or original intent it really annoys me irregardless of what side of the aisle they are on.
5. Where did you go posts. I understand life gets in the way but I hate it when someone just pops in and says sorry I've been gone for 2 months, etc. Especially when they keep promoting their blog in ways like dropping their EC card.

So what are your blogger pet peeves? And please feel free to share even if I'm guilty of them!

A Needle Woman

It's Monday morning but at least the sun is shining. I have a cold/flu and am still not feeling entirely human but I made it to work today, so that's a start. I spent most of the weekend horizontal on the couch, sometimes knitting but not pushing myself too much. Sometimes you have to step away and look for inspiration other places. I was watching a lot of PBS and caught the latest episode of Art 21. It's a series on art in the 21st century and this weeks episode was on Systems. You can watch the entire episode here and any other episodes from this season.

With my Masters in Counseling I've done a bit of reading and study in systems. Systems as it applies to psychology is different but it's all related to how things interact with each other and the different parts of a whole. All of the artists in this episode are creating their own systems and logic through their work. The most fascinating to me was Kimsooja who is a Korean artist who works primarily through videos and installations. She is also a textile artist and her roots in sewing show through in my favorite of her work "A Needle Woman". You can watch the clip of the show that absolutely mesmerized me above or you can see a slide show of her other work on Flickr here.

In "A Needle Woman" 1999-2001, she stands with her back to the camera, facing the flow of people and records the reaction of those who cross her path. She is the fixed needle in the metaphor, and the people are the flow of the object that she interacts with and changes in some way. She has stills on her website from all the different videos from all over the world that she has done.

One thing that Kimsooja talks about in her interview on the Art 21 blog is how she discovers “artistic questions and answers from our daily life activities.” I can't fully explain how this helped to inspire me but suffice to say that it gave me some renewed vigor in my work. I'm thinking again about how I can combine different fibers and textures in my knitting and I'm also thinking about some different artistic avenues using fiber. I'll talk more about this later after I've had time to think about it more and have a better visual picture of what I want to create.