6 months to the day...

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  TaraTaraTara

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  Foot - PENDANT - 1927 A...

  sushipot

I had a different post planned for today but on my way into work this morning I realized that it was 6 months ago to the day that I fell and broke my ankle. You can read about this delightful experience here if you missed it. When I realized this I got that pit in my stomach as I thought about how helpless I had felt on that day. These items are part of a treasury I threw together in tribute to my poor unlucky foot here.

Unfortunately there is still residual affects from that dreadful day that I'm dealing with. I gave an hour long presentation this morning and my foot was throbbing and swollen by the end just as it usually is by the end of the day. Ice packs are still my best friends and comfortable shoes are even more of a daily consideration. The ossification going on in my ankle now has the potential of making the fall a lifelong struggle which scares me but I'm still trying to stay positive.

I knew it was going to be a long recovery and that it would be hard which it has been. It's amazing how much more I appreciate the little things like being able to drive myself around or learning something new about my camera now. I'm very thankful for all the positive thoughts that were sent my way from you all.

Capturing the Action!

Oh to have Jessica's ankles even though they are blurred out above. Look how high she is flying. These are from a quick trip to the farm last weekend to visit the girls. We spent the majority of the time down by the lake were they enjoyed the cool water and I did my photography assignment for the week, which was playing with shutter speeds.

The top shot was my best panning shot and my teacher told me that I should enter it into the upcoming Photography Society of America's competition on movement. This is like the highest compliment she can give and since she is often a judge of their competitions I am seriously considering doing it. Panning is when you set a slow shutter speed like 1/30 of a second and move the camera with the action. The person/thing moving doesn't have to be crystal clear which is what was bothering me about some of my attempts but just needs to be relatively clear, like Jess is. The background should be blurred and show the movement.The second shot is also with a slow shutter speed which shows the water as one silky entity rather than the individual droplets that you see with a normal shutter speed. It helps to have a tripod for sure when using slow shutter speeds but when dealing with moving kids you have to just hold the camera as steady as you possibly can.

I had an appointment with my orthopedic surgeon the other day to check things out before we go on vacation. As I mentioned I've felt like I've regressed the past 3 weeks and have been having lots of weird pains and tenderness. My suspicions were unfortunately correct. There are actually two things going on in my ankle. For one thing I have a screw loose. I've gotten a kick out of using that line but I guess it's not a laughing matter. I can feel it moving around down there but it's not where the pain is coming from so they are going to leave it alone for the time being. If it starts causing problems or if some of its pals also start leaving the plate they will have to go in and take them out.

But the real problem is something that occasionally happens when there is trauma in the bones. My ligaments in between the two fractured bones are turning into bone which is called ossification. The x-rays from 6 weeks don't show anything but the one from this week has all kinds of white bone growth were there shouldn't be any. There isn't really anything they can do to stop it. If it gets worse they will have to do surgery to remove it. It obviously can be painful and he said to use Ibuprofen and call him if it gets more painful.

Mike said that he never should have told me that there was something actually wrong. I have a tendency to make excuses when I'm feeling lazy He said he can hear me now saying, "Can you get me a soda, my ossification is bothering me." The one good thing is that there is nothing to stop me from going and enjoying my vacation. My doctor said to just bring an ice pack and end the day with some Ibuprofen and a glass of wine. I think I can follow those doctor's orders!

Staying Positive

As I was dragging myself into the office this morning with my old lady walker a colleague commented that she couldn't believe how positive I was staying about the whole situation. I had mentioned that I had started physical therapy yesterday morning and was really sore today but it was a good kind of sore. I told her I couldn't really believe it myself.

The little memento box and journal are from a new charity shop I discovered on Etsy recently called Haiti by Hand and all proceeds go to goes directly to the relief and rebuilding efforts of Haiti By Hand in Despinos, Haiti. The Remember Moments Trinket Box was made by Jennie Thompson. The Becoming Who We Are Journal was made by Ludid Ryu.

The past two weeks I've been working my regular full time schedule. Last week I was having someone come out and wheel me in but this week I'm making the long trek from the parking lot to my office all by myself, just like a big girl. It's a slow process and I have to keep at least a partial smile on my face because everyone wants to help me and smiles at me encouragingly. I just can't be the crabby faced lady using her walker as I would feel even more pathetic. My students are all curious about what happened and why I was gone so long so I have to smile and talk to them as I make the 15 minute trip to the bathroom all the way done the hall a few times a day too.I decided to make a list as I was walking to my car last night, about a 20 minute process, of the good things that came out of my fall. So here goes:

1. I found out that I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. When I tell people I drove myself alone to the ER with my multiple fractures they give me this look like they can't believe it. Who knew I would be able to drag myself through the snow and fight the pain to get help? Certainly not me, as I tend to think of myself as physically weak and with no pain tolerance.
2. I have showed those around me that I'm not as helpless as I sometimes appear. I tend to give up on things that I don't know how to do quickly and just let other people do them for me. My family has been pretty shocked by how I've been able to adapt and do things for myself. Mike pu t a bag of Cheetos on the top shelf fairly early on in the process thinking I would never find them. I manage d to get myself to a stand and knock it off with a spatula to get them when he was gone at work. From then on Mike would say to think of it like a bag of Cheetos when I said I couldn't do something. He knew from that point on that if I really wanted something that I would find a way to do it.
3. I have developed a greater appreciation for how lucky I really am. I have a quite but still interesting life and I forget how many people can say the same in the world. Mike and I are very content in our little house with our hobbies and our families and friends who live nearby. We both have secure and supportive jobs that allow us to pay our bills and still have enough to treat ourselves to vacations and other things we want but don't need. Mike was very supportive and although there were times when we drove each other crazy I think this brought us even closer. He comforted me when I was crying and helpless and pushed me on when I was unsure of myself.
   
4. Which brings me to my greater appreciation for having a job that I can stand and colleagues that have gone out of their way to help me through this process. I have had to lean on certain friends at work a lot to fetch me files or carry my lunch for me, not to mention the days that I had to be driven and pushed in from my car in the wheelchair. They have made it much easier than it could have been for me which I'm very grateful for.
5. I have developed a much deeper understanding for people with disabilities. I don't know how this will translate into my life in the future but I hope I will find a way to express it and put this knowledge to good use.
   
6. I have been forced to slow down and not rush through life so much. I tend to walk to and from my car talking on my cell phone or checking messages like most people in this modern world. The weeks on the couch and now the long, slow walks to and from my car have given me time to actually stop and think and sometimes even enjoy the moment. I can't say that I enjoyed all the down time but there were some good times at home reading, helping to plan Chris and Tif's wedding and our trip to New Mexico this summer. And when I'm walking outside now I try to enjoy the brisk Spring air and be glad that it's not 4 weeks ago with the bitter cold.
7. I've actually lost a few pounds and developed some calf muscles and upper body strength that I haven't had in years. I've been unable to go out and get the fast food that I too often indulged in for lunch. Many people gain weight when cooped in the house but Mike really didn't bring much into the house for me to get to minus those Cheetos I managed to find. I plan on going on walks and bringing my camera along to make the time go by quicker as I am able.

So that's my list. I'm actually surprised that I was able to come up with 7 things, some of them pretty important revelations about myself. I remember when I was lying in the ER and I called my Mom crying. I told her I didn't know how I was going to make it through this, especially at my current weight. At that moment I couldn't imagine anything good coming out of it. It's funny how life works out.

UPDATE to yesterday's post about my lens purchase. I went ahead and bought myself the refurbished Canon EF-S 17mm - 85mm f/4.0-5.6 USM IS Image Stabilized Autofocus Zoom Lens which is the lighter one made for Canon Rebels that should be a good all around lens as an upgrade to my kit lens. The only problem I could find about it that concerned me was that it doesn't perform well in low light settings without a flash. So I also bought the Canon EF 50mm f/1.8 II which is a small prime lens, meaning no zoom, which is ideal in that exact setting. I can carry them both in the new bag I also got which does not look like a camera bag at all, important for when I 'm traveling and I don't want to be carrying my Canon bag that screams "STEAL ME, EXPENSIVE CAMERA INSIDE!" I choose the jill.e camera messenger bag with polka-dots. Although it's not handmade jill.e is a small woman owned company that I can feel good about supporting.

In Training

I had my big doctor visit today. He said the bones were healing nicely and that my ankle movement was not bad. He told me I could start partial weight bearing and work my way up to full weight bearing over the next two weeks. I am using a walker now and I'm definitely not going to win any races but I'm standing on my own two feet which is pretty darn good. In a couple of weeks I will transition to a cane and if I need physical therapy we will start it then. He gave me some exercises to do now to work on getting my full movement back.

It hurts to move it sometimes but that is to be expected. My toes are tingling like crazy when I walk and it feels like I'm stepping on pins and needles sometimes. Mike says that is the nerves coming back to life.

I can also scrub it down tonight and get all that dried skin cleaned off. I am debating about taking a picture first to memorialize it in all of its glory. I don't think I would torment you all with it though. Most of it has been dyed a fascinating orange color from the chemical adhesives they used in the first two splints.

You are probably wondering why there is a picture of a llama at the top of this post. Well, I was talking to Mike about a tour I found in one of the guide books I'm reading for our vacation to New Mexico this summer. It is a Llama Trekking Adventure with Wild Earth Adventures, which can just be a day trip or if you are really adventurous overnight camping. We would of course choose the day trip but it sounds absolutely amazing. The llamas carry all of the baggage and the supplies for the guides, including provisions to make a gourmet lunch. They offer custom hikes for any fitness level with experienced guides who will explain all about the wildlife, native plants and history of the area.

I really need something to push myself towards and this could be the motivation I need. Mike has been humming the Olympic theme song every time I have pushed myself a little further tonight. I need to think of myself as being in training. No I'm not training for a marathon or even a 5 K. Nothing ordinary like that for me. I'm training for a New Mexico Llama Trek Adventure. One step at a time...

Random Thoughts

There is still time to buy your handmade Valentines cards from Hearts for Haiti with all proceeds going to Doctors Without Border's relief efforts in Haiti. Here are a few of my favorites that are for sale in the card section of their site. The top card was donated by jbart.etsy.com. This set of 20 mini cards portray images of original acrylic and digital artwork by Karen Altman. They would be perfect for you older child to pass out to their closest friends and are far superior to the standard fare found at the market. They were donated by twigstudionc.etsy.com.
I have bought Valentines Day gifts for just about everyone that I can think of from the site. I admit it's much harder to find gifts for the guys but I have managed. Since my shop is closed at the moment, I have their Etsy mini on the blog for now.

I have practically been a social butterfly this weekend. Last night I went out to dinner with Mike and his mother which is our traditional Friday night event. It's important to Mike that all three of us are there or it just isn't Friday night. This was the first in almost a month that I've managed to make it out. It was a hassle getting there obviously but it was well worth it. Today we had some company including Ani which lifted my spirits considerably. Tomorrow we have our Rep Theatre tickets for an afternoon showing. I called ahead and had mine changed to handicapped seating. I'm hopeful that it won't be too much trouble to get me there.

This week Ani was talking to me about some little power struggle going on in her classroom between the girls. I replayed it to a very uninterested Mike and then later when we were watching TV I had a revelation and said, "I think the real problem is M. not G." Mike said I think the real problem is that you need to get back to work so that you stop thinking about this elementary school drama.

He really wants me to try to get into work some next week. I just don't think it is worth it to spend an hour getting into the office with the drive and hassle of getting into the building, work for a half day and then turning around and doing it again to get home. Especially since it's really not busy right now. If it was three weeks ago when we were super busy I would make the effort but even my boss told me that it just isn't worth it right now. In 2 weeks I will hopefully be able to put some weight on it. I will still need my walker but it won't be like it is now. I think I will go back part time on days that I can get someone to stop by and help me get to my car the following week. After seeing me hop my way to the car, down the steps, and on the sloped driveway my mother in law has forbidden me from doing it by myself.

The worst pain I'm dealing with right now is actually from the incision on the right side. It's the one that only had 7 staples and 2 screws. The other side had 14 staples and 6 screws but it hasn't caused me much pain since a few days after the surgery. I think the surgeon pinched my skin when putting the staples in on the right side. Mike said they looked bunched up when they were removing them and there was a lot of bleeding. They are covered by some type of bandage so I can't see if there is anything wrong but Mike says I would know it if there was an infection. It burns and is uncomfortable but it is manageable so I'm not going to worry too much about it.

Hope you all are having a good weekend. Thanks for listening to my ramblings.

Peace Paige

So the physical pain is mostly over from the fracture. I still have some discomfort if I move it the wrong way but I'm pretty much off all of the pain meds now. Now comes the part of my recovery which may be even more difficult for me I'm afraid. I have to keep myself from going into a major Depression from the boredom and inconvenience. I am highly susceptible to a depression this time of year even under normal conditions. The holidays are over and my craft show season is done so there is always a big letdown in January/February. Once Spring comes around I will get a pick up from the weather change and more light during the daytime.

With this situation taking me completely out of my routine for weeks of time if not months there is a big potential for a mental downturn. The only thing that I have going for me is the fact that I and my family are all on high alert for it. It is usually when I'm not expecting it and have my guard down that the worst depressions sneak up on me. In this case I'm watching for the signs and trying to stay positive as much as possible.

Mike and I both are great creatures of habit. This is one characteristic that most bonds us together. We hate change and we have our routines that we live by that helps keep us sane and balanced. The broken ankle has destroyed the routines completely. I have been sleeping on the couch every night since the fall. It is easier for me to get to the bathroom and I can slide on and off my rolling chair to get where I need to go in the house. Mike has been wanting me to use the walker more because it will help me get back more of my normal life. I got myself into bed yesterday which was a major accomplishment. I actually got emotional from the normalcy of laying in my own bed. The smells and the feeling of laying there was so sweet. It really is the little things that you miss when you can't get to them.

One of the ladies from the office came by on Friday to bring some cards and gifts and it was so nice to sit and gossip with her about the office for a few minutes. After I had told her all my stories about the fall/surgery she said, "I'm sure you don't want to hear what we talked about at the staff meeting this morning." I was like "no, please tell me." It was nice to be thinking about something from my normal life and not about my problems for a change.

I go in to see the surgeon tomorrow afternoon. He will remove the stitches and put on whatever permanent cast I will need. I'm hoping for an air cast since those can be removed and cleaned. I'm hoping that I will feel more confident and secure once I have a solid cast on my whole foot. I'd like to be able to go out to eat this week and we are going to figure out a way to get me back to work. I'm going to take this week off as there is nothing to rush back to right now. The semester started last week so the busy time is over. I need to work on getting myself out of the house, down the stairs, and into my car by myself. If this isn't going to be possible than I need to get my schedule worked out so that I can get rides from other people in the office from my area.

I have terrible balance and with the extra weight I'm carrying right now there is no way I will be able to use crutches to maneuver the steps. We rented a walker which I need to practice with and we also have the wheelchair that I can use once I get to the office. It is going to be difficult however you look at it. I really hope that my ankle is healing well and that I will be able to put weight on it in 3 or 4 weeks like he originally said would be possible if the surgery went well.

The pictures at the top are from a barn on the farm. My mom originally spray painted "congrats Angie, Sr. 89" on the barn when she graduated High School. She put "peace Paige, Sr. 91" when I graduated since I was such a flower child at the time, imagine that. There are pictures and dates for each of my other siblings as well. They are fading fast so I took a picture of them a few months ago when I was home.

Surgery is over

The surgery went fine. I had some very sweet nurses that took extra good care of me. The anesthesiologist was a funny guy and all in all the day wasn't as bad as I had been dreading. The print above of Sheldon Bunny is by Loser Pet Shop on Etsy. I can totally relate to his pain.

Last night is another story. The nerve blocker that was supposed to last 24 hours in my leg unfortunately wore off after just 8 hours. They had given me 2 of them knowing my history with dental pain blockers wearing off in mid procedure. I spent much of the night in horrible pain even with the painkillers. It is starting to get a bit less throbbing this evening thankfully.

I actually had to call the exchange in the middle of the night since I didn't know if I could stand it. My surgeon had made the prescription for only one pain med at a time. The last script had been for 1 or 2 as needed. I wanted to be sure that this one wasn't a much stronger one that would keep me from taking 2 at a time so I called just to be safe. They had a Dr. call me and he told me I could take 2 along with an Ibuprofen and to ice it down. It got me through the night and I've been okay with just 1 at a time today. I know that I have a very low pain tolerance but the intensity of this pain was overwhelming. It was a constant relentless pain, not just the throbbing that I had gotten used to.

As my sister said my body is probably annoyed that I let someone put foreign objects inside of me and is fighting back with the pain. There are actually 2 screws on one side and 6 on the other with the plate in between. I have no idea how big the incision is but I'm betting my career as a sandal model is definitely out at this point.

Thanks for your positive thoughts and prayers. Mom said that I was handling it much better than she would have expected. I can be pretty whiny on a good day so they weren't expecting me to be so positive with an actual crisis.