12/08/2008

My inventory

Just a forewarning I'm feeling a bit hormonal tonight so I may be discussing more personal topics than usual. So I was talking to Mike this weekend and I said another knitter didn't have the inventory that I did. He said that she probably had a life instead. I laughed knowing that it was probably true. Not in the way he may have meant it though. Two years ago we were trying like crazy to get pregnant. I went off my medications and lost a bunch of weight all in the pursuit of what I thought I was supposed to want. And at the time I really did want it. Then I ended up in another depression and all of a sudden I just couldn't find the energy to pursue what was supposed to be my most important goal. I beat myself up thinking there must be something wrong with me, that I should be doing everything I possibly could to become a mother, but I just shut down. I ended up back on my meds and gained back the weight. But I somehow came to a point where I realized that just because I think I should have a baby and everyone else thinks I should have a baby, that doesn't mean that I should have a baby.

Whenever people ask if we are still trying I say that if it happens it happens. This is true but we really aren't doing what we would have to do to make it happen at this point. I just don't think I have the emotional or physical energy not to mention the financial commitment to make it my 100% goal. I know adoption is an option which I would be open to but Mike is not really open to it at this point. We love our nieces and nephews and spend as much time as we can with them. We have jobs we like and hobbies we are passionate about. And luckily we like being with each other. A few weeks ago I had a moment and I started crying and told him he should leave me while he was young enough to find someone else he could have a family with and he told me that there was no one else he could ever be with. I know I really am lucky in many ways.

2 comments:

Carnation said...

hey there ! parts of your sharing is true for me also. way to go is to keep living and loving and life is not only about having kids! altho for us also we thought it would have been nice to have one or two but God has other plans for us...

fidget said...

**hugs** before I had my children, I lost several pregnancies. More then once I burst into tears and told my husband he should leave me to find a woman who could carry to term. He hugged me, soothed me down, and silently thought I was crazy. LOL

Life is not just about children. Just because other people have them, doesnt mean that you need to also. It's a very personal thing and I wish people weren't so eager to stick their noses in.

 

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