My inventory

Just a forewarning I'm feeling a bit hormonal tonight so I may be discussing more personal topics than usual. So I was talking to Mike this weekend and I said another knitter didn't have the inventory that I did. He said that she probably had a life instead. I laughed knowing that it was probably true. Not in the way he may have meant it though. Two years ago we were trying like crazy to get pregnant. I went off my medications and lost a bunch of weight all in the pursuit of what I thought I was supposed to want. And at the time I really did want it. Then I ended up in another depression and all of a sudden I just couldn't find the energy to pursue what was supposed to be my most important goal. I beat myself up thinking there must be something wrong with me, that I should be doing everything I possibly could to become a mother, but I just shut down. I ended up back on my meds and gained back the weight. But I somehow came to a point where I realized that just because I think I should have a baby and everyone else thinks I should have a baby, that doesn't mean that I should have a baby.

Whenever people ask if we are still trying I say that if it happens it happens. This is true but we really aren't doing what we would have to do to make it happen at this point. I just don't think I have the emotional or physical energy not to mention the financial commitment to make it my 100% goal. I know adoption is an option which I would be open to but Mike is not really open to it at this point. We love our nieces and nephews and spend as much time as we can with them. We have jobs we like and hobbies we are passionate about. And luckily we like being with each other. A few weeks ago I had a moment and I started crying and told him he should leave me while he was young enough to find someone else he could have a family with and he told me that there was no one else he could ever be with. I know I really am lucky in many ways.